Patrick Kearney lingers in my thoughts when the retreat glow has dissipated and the reality of chores, digital demands, and shifting moods takes over. The time is 2:07 a.m., and the silence in the house is heavy. I can hear the constant hum of the refrigerator and the intrusive ticking of the clock. I am standing barefoot on a floor that is unexpectedly cold, and I realize my shoulders are hunched from a full day of subconscious tension. Patrick Kearney pops into my head not because I’m meditating right now, but because I’m not. Because nothing is set up. No bell. No cushion perfectly placed. Just me standing here, half-aware, half-elsewhere.
The Unromantic Discipline of Real Life
In the past, retreats felt like evidence of my progress. The routine of waking, sitting, and mindful eating seemed like the "real" practice. Even the discomfort feels clean. Organized. I come home from those places buzzing, light, convinced I’ve cracked something. Then the routine of daily life returns: the chores, the emails, and the habit of half-listening while preparing a response. This is the moment where practice becomes clumsy and uninspiring, and that is precisely where I find Patrick Kearney’s influence.
There’s a mug in the sink with dried coffee at the bottom. I told myself earlier I’d rinse it later. That delayed moment is here, and I am caught in the trap of thinking about mindfulness instead of actually practicing it. I see the procrastination, and then I see the ego's attempt to give this mundane event a profound meaning. Fatigue has set in, a simple heaviness that makes me want to choose the easiest, least mindful path.
No Off Switch: Awareness Beyond the Cushion
I once heard Patrick Kearney discuss mindfulness outside of formal settings, and it didn't strike me as a "spiritual" moment. It landed like a mild discomfort. Like, oh right, there’s no off switch. There is no magical environment where mindfulness is naturally easier. I think of this while I am distracted by my screen, even though I had promised myself I would be done for the night. I set it aside, but the habit pulls me back almost instantly. It is clear that discipline is far from a linear journey.
My breathing is thin, and I constantly lose track of it. I find it again, only to let it slip away once more. This isn’t serene. It’s clumsy. The body wants to slump. The mind wants to be entertained. The person I am during a retreat seems like a distant stranger to the person I am right now, the one standing here in messy clothes and unkempt hair, worrying about a light in another room.
The Unfinished Practice of the Everyday
Earlier this evening, I lost my temper over a minor issue. The memory returns now, driven by the mind's tendency to dwell on regrets once the external noise stops. I perceive a physical constriction in my chest as I recall the event, and I choose not to suppress or rationalize it. I let the discomfort remain, acknowledging it as it is—awkward and incomplete. This moment of difficult awareness feels more significant than any "perfect" meditation I've done in a retreat.
Patrick Kearney, for me, isn’t about intensity. It’s about not outsourcing mindfulness to special conditions. Which sucks, honestly, because special conditions are easier. They hold you up. Daily life doesn’t care. Reality continues regardless of your state—it demands your presence even when you are frustrated, bored, or absent-minded. The discipline here is quieter. Less impressive. More annoying.
I clean the mug, feeling the warmth of the water and watching the steam rise against my glasses. I dry my glasses on my clothes, noticing the faint scent of coffee. These small sensory details seem heightened in the middle of the night. My spine makes a sharp sound as I move; I feel a flash of pain, then a moment of amusement at my own state. My mind attempts to make this a "spiritual moment," but I refuse to engage. Or perhaps I acknowledge it and then simply let it go.
I don’t feel clear. I don’t feel settled. I feel here. In between wanting structure and knowing I can’t depend on it. Patrick more info Kearney fades back into the background like a reminder I didn’t ask for but keep needing, {especially when nothing about this looks like practice at all and yet somehow still is, unfinished, ordinary, happening anyway.|especially when my current reality looks nothing like "meditation," yet is the only practice that matters—flawed, mundane, and ongoing.|particularly now, when none of this feels "spiritual," y